agony is a cage with the door open

all i see are bars and i refuse to turn around

originally posted on Substack

It's giving 8 of swords.

"i've been buried alive, awake for the pain

eyes open but unseeing in the darkness

voices creeping through the cracks

whispering my deepest fears, my darkest traumas

left to die with no bell to ring

no room to breathe

stuck creating a miracle from nothing

i somehow managed this difficult feat

these feelings and emotions

are starting to

r e c e d e

letting oxygen return

allowing me to think

noticing the latch

and opening the box

i put myself in"

- poem titled 18th Century Nightmare from after much delay zine

On my path to wholeness, I had to confront what broke me.

It's dark down here.

I realized it’s not about going there, it's about being able to get out of it every time. It’s not possible to ignore the shadows when there’s overdue maintenance. More often than not, I find out what I need when I don't have anything. A repetitive cycle challenging my awareness of my own patterns. It's been more frequent because I keep catching it faster and faster. More frequent equals higher frequency, long term consistency.

I keep looking for messages I’ve already found. I'm more than one moment in time.

There are worse things than death, agony in motion. Agony is an echo chamber, a spiral into depths you swore you climbed out of. You have to feel it to release it. To feel it, you become it. There is no around, there is only through. Around is the path back to start.

Be patient with the pain. Haven’t you’ve been rushed enough?

It’s looking lifeless, I gotta revive it. Destruction disguised as stagnation, energy separated, deficit unbearable. I can’t see the end, I don’t even know when it started.

Where is the wound?

Everything is bleak because the perspective is bleak.

What vantage point does grace reside? Show me what mountain to climb. I'm a mountain goat, steady in my approach. Cliffs are home, a terrain I've mastered through my search.

Why is it when I'm in the dark, I forget why I’m aware of it?

Exploring the dark and choosing to accept its presence creates distance from those who refuse to believe in their own power. They commit to their suffering, becoming entitled and weak to joy. Joy feels like a peak that can’t be reached so they settle for quick relief. My ability to access joy in darkness is seen as naive and delusion rather than perception and choice. They can’t admit that their refusal is a choice, it would reveal the hollowness in their entitlement.

A weak heart leads to a weak mind. Language follows belief.

Joy flourishes under accountability. Perspective is everything.

I'm so far away that even in the same room, I feel us becoming strangers. They decided not to explore, burrowing in stagnation, becoming fearful of motion.

Agony isn't my final destination yet when you're in the midst of it, it feels like the end of the world. Thoughts become more erratic and the need for relief grows stronger. This is a dangerous place to attach to, to become defined by.

I’m used to cleaning after myself. Not because a good habit was instilled in me but because I wasn’t allowed to leave any trace of my needs. Resources were limited, I couldn’t let anyone know I’ve been nibbling on what’s left.

I wasn't allowed to want, I wasn't allowed to need. I was a nuisance, a past mistake that carried too much weight. I was only useful in my productivity, in my optimism. I became an asset in my drive to be seen but those moments were only glimpses of possibility.

Bits of recognition taken as strategy rather than beauty. A weapon rather than a reflection. A moment of insecurity and jealously rather than affection and empathy.

Here's a recent journal entry from my latest bout of agony, a spiral that revisits old wounds as another opportunity for expansion:

"...I went through another bout of agony but it was necessary and humbling. There is no final state. I mean, I knew this but it's always different when you have to face yourself yet again. I hadn't been feeling myself lately... I crashed hard and it was painful. But again it was necessary. I was faced with so much anger.

I have so much of it.

I've felt like a caged tiger pacing back and forth, baring my teeth at whoever dares to look at me in my misery. The mental anguish was becoming unbearable and I couldn't contain it. It was leaking from my well crafted barrier now littered with cracks...

My ego took a hit, having to bear the fact that, bitch, you're not perfect. Not that I truly thought I ever was but the moral standards I expected myself to operate from was ridiculous and in my hurt ego, I felt justified in the agony I was in. I was pissing myself off. I was trapped again and I couldn't understand why I was there when I knew what was up and what I believe.

I was arguing with my dreams again.

Mine, the one who knows what I want the most. Even if it was soul me, future me, kid me, whichever. It was me. Why am I mad at me? I mean I'm angry at others and how I was treated but ultimately I was fighting the responsibility of my dreams. I was mad that I had to show up even if others weren't. But who's fault is that really? I decide who I am, that's my responsibility. I am accountable for what I want out of my life. And a long time ago, before my physical birth, I decided that I wanted to live with integrity.

I want to be devoted to my creativity.

How quickly I let others dictate who I want to show up as. I became my environment. The strength it takes to separate myself from everything and still show up authentically was being tested. Who cares if I'm being kind to the one who hurt me? I don't decide who's deserving. I just show up.

What do I want more of? Kindness. Loyalty. Integrity. Empathy. Safety. How else do I get more of that unless I create it? Do I wait on others, especially those that have revealed their patterns? Absolutely not, history has taught me that. But by staying true to me, I offer that opportunity to match each and every time, then I decide how I want to proceed based on their action.

I am soft yet firm. I am flexible yet unwavering in my faith. Faith in the unseen. Faith in me. This isn't about revenge… It's about consistently showing up no matter what I've been shown.

As much as I wanted to blame others for my agony, I'm the one who turned my pain into despair. Instead of dressing the wound, I kept picking at it.

Either way, I kept going no matter how dark it got. I refuse to let what others have done to me to define and inform who I am. It was a much needed reminder and a testament to my strength. My lows don't negate my highs and we keep it going."

-March 24, 2025

My boundaries don't require me to change my personality. It's all about access.

I was getting so enraged by my circumstances that I was becoming my circumstances. My daily consisted of me fighting both sides of me, trying not to let the animosity slip and sting those around me. Whether they deserve it or not, sometimes the energy is wasted on those that refuse to expand.

Do I benefit from lashing out?

I'm not even graced with relief, I'm met with more gasoline. The heat expands and in my anguish, I become weak. The steps I've committed to become too difficult. The passion is now rage. Rage is a wildfire instead of a well managed hearth. Instead of passion led direction, there is only unhinged destruction.

Previous forward strides become dead ends.

"Sometimes it's hard to accept that the person

who hurt you the most is yourself."

I want to breakdown agony in a similar way that I do in my Poet Portal: Definition series for my paid community members. Expanding my understanding of a word to include the experience of embodiment.

A definition vs. an actual experience.

Agony noun. 1a. intense pain of the mind or body: ANGUISH , TORTURE

1b. the struggle that precedes death

2. a violent struggle or contest

3. a strong sudden display (as of joy or delight) : OUTBURST

An interesting fact popped up when looking up the definition.

"In Ancient Greece, a public gathering was called agon. Since the Greeks placed a high value on sports and athletic competition, there were almost always athletic events at gatherings on festival days. The struggle to win the prize in such contests came to be called agonia. This term came also to be used for any difficult physical struggle and then for the pain that went with it—physical or mental. Our English word agony, meaning “intense pain of mind or body,” thus comes from a word that meant a happy celebration." - Merriam-Webster

"The other side of despair is liberation."

In tarot, after Death is Temperance.

Balance, peace, patience, harmony.

It's not the end of the hero's journey but as a card in the major arcana, it's a pivotal moment. It prepares you for what's to come since the Devil and the Tower are after that brief moment of peace. Can you return? Now that relief has been met, the knowledge of its existence informs future decisions. This is the beginning of discipline.

Can you remember that this pain is temporary?

The other side of agony is ecstasy. Both are bursts of energy, a signal in the dark. A compass, a sign of more if you dare to explore. What’s after the Tower? Do you have the strength to carry the power of a Star? Someone who is too weak, a star would feel a lot like agony. Flip it, and your authenticity becomes a source of ecstasy.

Agony shows me my limitations and teaches me that there is a depth to my love I previously knew nothing about. It reveals a glimpse into what I'm capable of. It reveals my capacity to process pain.

Do I settle in this resistance or do I accept that I want more?

Agony is the voice of the traumatized, the versions of us that deserve the most care and patience. It's a sign that the market is about to change. Accept the loss and prepare for the gains. Agony is an emotional alarm. Information that it's time for a different approach. It’s time to pivot.

After you’re alerted, recognize it, accept it, FEEL it, release it. Act with this newly acquired knowledge. This is wisdom. That's where the skill of alchemy comes in. Action. A perspective shift that extends previous dead ends.

You dare question infinity?

There is no end, there is only acceptance. What feels like a wall, resistance in flow is actually an opportunity for collaboration. A moment to redefine what's possible and to allow the unknown to reveal more of its magic.

Are you ready for potential or are you only comfortable in fantasy?

Epiphanies can come after a bout of agony. When I finally chose to turn around, I decided to embrace the uncertainty and find strength in my honesty. What do you want and are you willing to go after it?

What are you waiting for?

What is ready but a willingness to try? Was this agony the sign?

I've been creating throughout this hardship. There is no getting worse.

Allow the skill to match the vision. How do you develop the skill? You take actions on what inspires you. Always bet on creativity.

Always bet on you.

"What's a mistake but knowledge?"

I'm not new to this. I've been starting over my whole life.

"invasive like a eucalyptus tree in the desert.

plants aren't intrusive in their native habitat.

where's mine?

i moved eleven times

by the age of seventeen.

what's a destination when there are so many?"

- excerpt from quantum leaps

On another note, I'm an amazing packer because of it. Moving is always tedious but I've become efficient. I never fear movement, stillness is where I struggle. Rest doesn't come natural so agony felt like home.

To break free of mental anguish, you must make a choice.

"my confidence is growing, inconspicuously yet quickly.

i catch myself and notice,

is that hope?"

m.c.