clearing out my queue

when passion turns into desperation

originally posted on Substack

You can’t ignore you anymore, a harsh realization.

I had a lot of catching up to do, dissociating creating a backlog of pain. Healing my body required me to dig up old graves. Past emotions I buried, a lag of grief that’s been pending, now downloaded and saved.

It’s okay to flicker, a reminder that light is a creation, not a source. Source is the deep unknown, an image that’s impossible to fully capture. Source is the darkness we feel but can’t describe, a wisdom we can’t fathom, an ancient riddle in a language no longer spoken. Light is contrast, an experiment. What’s possible? Turns out, everything is.

When the light flickers back on, everything once hidden is now brought to the forefront of your vision. Look at what I’ve been ignoring, look at what I’ve been hoarding. Not just grief and other emotions but also failed projects and sparks of creations. It’s a glorious mess, a result of a child lost to chaos and a young adult who ignored it. Now here I am, doing some much needed healing.

Creativity can feel like a burden when inspiration is hoarded rather than expressed. It can feel like a never ending to do list. There’s a pressure that can coexist with creating, one where the weight of its presence is mistaken for obligation rather than invitation. A delegation rather than a collaboration. An idea to live up to rather than a reflection of a life lived. Emotions swirl, drowning out the intent.

Can I become the vessel imagination flows through rather than a dead end with no inspiration?

Living is healing too.

These last few months have been transformative. I’m realizing that the in-between is where you’re created. Before and after isn’t now so those are just projections. Consistency doesn’t just work, it’s the only way to notice. Notice you, your perspective, your beauty, your everything. Who I was before and who I am after is for them, not me. I show up for them because I love them not because I owe them. It doesn’t matter who did what to me, I matter because I exist now.

The middle, the Saturn Return, the hermit phase is essential. There is no skipping your own performance. This is where you are forced to choose, forced to decide what you want and pick it each time, every second you’re alive. What do you believe? Who will you decide to become? There is no want, only is.

Decide who you are. Reclaim your sovereignty.

A victim of circumstance is someone who died in the midst of said circumstance. Sometimes it’s not the body but the will to live. A repetitive loop, a whirlwind. A circumstantial hit shifts to self inflicted. Power lies in accountability. If you unlock this perspective, get ready for unimaginable strength.

“Accountability comes with the act of surrendering. When you surrender what you can't control, that coincides with the acknowledgment of what you can. A lack of accountability is stagnant energy. There's no stability and the energy sits with no direction. There's no understanding that the ability to transmute said energy is even a thing.”

-excerpt from The Poet’s Portal: Definitions series, Word: Accountability

I’ve been stingy with my pain. Stingy with my beauty, stingy with my vulnerability. I’ve been selfish, isolating as a way to keep me to myself. I’ve collected quite a catalog of inspiration, to the point of confusion. To the point of ‘what am I even doing?’

“i’ve lost sight of play, can anyone give me directions?”

Everything felt like a must, I had to get it perfect. Not just perfect in the eyes of others but perfect as a way out of my own circumstance. I was putting the pressure of my survival on my expression. How restricting. It sucked the life out of everything, there goes my inspiration.

Inspiration is not a commodity. Inspiration is the recognition of existence through the process of creativity. It’s when imagination and reality become one in the same. It’s when you look at something and see beyond it. It’s a recognition of infinite possibilities through the lense of your capabilities.

So when I look at my life through this restrictive lense, I lose my ability to recognize solutions. I get stuck, here’s that cycle again. I’m lost to the chaos, I’m overwhelmed. I have an overflow of inspired actions I never took a chance on but wont let go of. I’m saving for later, only for later to never come. I’m lying to myself over and over.

The abundance I have turned into scarcity. These gifts turned into dead weight. In the midst of my passion, I became desperate. I was only scared to die because deep down, I knew I wasn’t living. It was time to clear out the queue, go through all these pending feelings. I needed clarity and clarity is never loud, always observant. Clarity is honest and striking in its presence. Clarity lurks in the shadows, only revealing itself in silence. Are you listening close enough? Pay attention.

I couldn’t make sense of where I wanted to go, getting frustrated in my confusion. Why couldn’t I just get my shit together? Why couldn’t I just do something? Not once or twice, but every time. The universe answered with Saturn for two and half years. I’m a little bruised, but the queue has been cleared.

Stop trying to protect yourself with knowing.

The experience is the bliss. No amount of knowledge can prevent the journey. Some need to go through the process, go through the layers of the dark, a pioneer, a visionary. They become the mentors, the poets, the revolutionary sparks. They ignite, a ripple to be felt through lifetimes. Discovered and remembered again and again. What is discovery but a memory?

I remembered why I’m here, what I’m creating and what I’m experiencing. I asked for everything and in turn, everything asked for me.

If depth is what you seek, you either dive in or you don’t.

Will you?

“i taught myself how to swim for this very purpose.”

m.c.