discovery as memory
memory as discovery.
originally posted on Substack
I wasn't allowed to explore.
Even though my childhood wasn't spent in one place, the restriction of neglect forced a tunnel vision when it came to my perspective of life. Exploring leads to discovery. Discovery leads to possibilities. Possibilities lead to choice. Decision leads to adventure.
Often, I didn't have a choice.
Could I travel to new land without moving my feet?
I seem to discover bits of me every moment of every day. Each second is a greeting and I began to experience time rather than dread it. Excitement and anxiety are two sides of the same coin. One can lead to the other, the frenetic energy needing direction, intent.
I've always wanted adventure and any opportunity to create it, I did. When I couldn't explore the world around me, I began to explore the world within me. I gave discovery a new meaning, one that was built through experience and allowed me to stretch what adventure can feel like. To redefine what could spark the excitement within me.
Expanding definitions has lead me to new bouts of discovery. I explore what discovery can mean through a poetic lense in my Poet Portal: Definitions series for my paid community members. Here's an excerpt:
"Discovery is a collective and individual experience. It's the unknown turning into the known. Discovery can be in the form of thought as well as feelings. I have discovered so much of myself by digging deeper into my emotional landscape. The invisible still exists and discovery is destined. You don't have to travel far, if at all, to discover. Merely observe."
Discovery has been a theme for me recently, where I collect pieces of myself I've accumulated over the years and get creative on how I put them together. My favorite collaborator is a previous version of myself, even if that version is yesterday.
Here's a discovery I made today in one of my notebooks, a little piece from 2023:
"8 8s. Part of my path is hidden from me. I will only succeed without the premonition. Trust in my energy, it will guide me smoothly to my destination. So much connection, fluidity is your natural state. From the ashes, new narratives emerge. Beyond your imagination, surpassing the mastery of your own creativity. You are co-creating with the universe. Always remember the infinity you surrender to exists all around you. Serenity is maintained through effort. It's an active passive state. You understand the depth, now this is your test. Do you believe in your own manifestations? Do you believe in all of the possibilities? What does infinity actually look like for you? This is me finding out. Even when I am resisting, it still feels like the way because now I know it's the opposite. It's time I stop denying my truth from myself and others. Create, release the weight of the world, transmute it into beauty and add to the collective. How to create a collective reality, individually.”
This couldn't come at a more appropriate time. I unknowingly created a future collaboration with the past and that authenticity, that innocence of creation only adds to the richness of discovery. How amazing that I can create an experience of discovery over and over again? Connect with others and you have a life filled with excitement and magic that never ends.
Do I create or do I wait?
For a minute there, I convinced myself that waiting was creating. Thinking, always thinking. Spiraling in hopes that I could find some relief not understanding that relief is created not found. I had to sift through the anxiety to understand what I actually get excited about. Survival is brutal and the pain was only adding to the depth of joy that I could experience.
Creating something to be discovered is its own magical experience. Letting the words flow, not caring if it makes sense. I mean I do but not to the point of rigidity. Not concerned if my grammar reflects the poet in me rather than the author. I come from a mixed background so language was always used creatively; as a means of expression and ways to bring new life to the mundane.
Do you journal? With words, pictures, art projects, scrapbooking, collecting? How do you feel about what you create?
Consider this an invitation to sit with something of the past and discover something new.
"i finally bought
a watermelon
after multiple
multiple
multiple attempts
i want seeds where seeds are meant to be
what’s a seedless watermelon?
it might be fine
probably is fine
but is it strange
to want
yearn a life filled with
lives before
seedless
where has our patience gone?
that we rush to eat fruit
without marveling at how
far its come"
-Untitled Poem by m.c. deerwood
Have you marveled at how far you've come lately?
m.c.