in the midst of everything

what am i but a puzzle piece?

originally posted on Substack

"i play with words. i write them. i read them. i experiment with them. i listen to them. i question them.

i am a poet practitioner and multimedia artist. i weave analog and digital media with poetry and storytelling, while occasionally incorporating various physical mediums such as handmade paper, collages and jewelry making. more often than not, i write, allowing that to be its final form."

This is an excerpt from my about me on my website. I wasn't sure how I wanted to start this first post but I realized that I already had the words.

Substack suggested I share my personal story; who am I? Why am I making a Substack? Why now? These are some great questions and most likely will be fully answered over time.

Who am I?

I truly do not have a succinct answer to that question besides the bio excerpt I have already shared. I am constantly experiencing the answer. It fluctuates, it expands, my definition of myself. In my first zine, after much delay, I wrote

"...there is not one word or definition that can encompass the e n t i r e t y of my being / instead i think about what i want to do / how i treat people / that makes up more of me than any adjective or noun i can possibly think of

are we not what we do?

"what we say"

how we love

what we hate

i am not bound by the words the human mind creates

[there is no other way to describe me than to experience me]"

The answer to the second question lies in a random notebook (I have so many, a chaotic writer, how unoriginal of me in the best way).

Why am I making a Substack?

"who do i want to be? am i being that? to be able to speak despite resistance. to be able to speak despite conflict. to not fear the reaction of my expression. to not deny myself my expression. what freedom can i expand, stretch to its fullest? i am restricted yet i am free. why do i hide my freedom? am i denying myself the freedom of freedom? do i believe i am truly free if i'm still scared to speak? who benefits off of my silence? not me.

why am i scared of me? my potential? my dreams?"

This doesn't seem like an answer but it really is. I've been writing since I was a child. Hidden visions, hidden smiles. I never took myself seriously, going on detours, trying to find someone, something that validated my desires. As if the existence of the desire wasn't good enough. As if I wasn't good enough.

I went to a private art college that limited my version of creativity, shoving it behind rules and grammar, right and wrong, a white man's vision. Right and wrong have proven to be too restrictive for me.

To be a bit more direct, I've created this because I've been hoarding my thoughts, my visions, my insights. I've gained a lot from others who decided to share themselves so who am I to break that chain of creativity? Who am I but another version of you?

Why now?

I suppose I've gained the wisdom and grit to act on my intuitive impulses. No more excuses on 'why me?' and instead, acting on 'who else?'. I've actually been going through one of the toughest times in my life (Saturn Return for my astrology baddies and let me tell you, Big Daddy Saturn definitely returned). Somehow in the midst of it, I've stepped into a power I never thought I could embody but somehow I always knew existed. Who else have I been traveling to?

So what can you expect from a poet who has been in hiding their whole life?

Well, I have become skeptical of society's skepticism so I am answering the call. There's enough nihilism out here to destroy. I'm nourishing inspiration to create.

Through my art, my words, I want to initiate a conversation with self. Reflection leads to transformation and sometimes it's easier to see yourself through someone else. Transforming our world starts with our beliefs. Beliefs expand through experiences and connections. Conversations, discussions. Sometimes you think you know yourself when your life is meant to be finding out.

Some of the specific topics I will explore are pain points, lack of connection to self, stagnant energy, lack of self confidence, ways of expressing yourself, not being able to be yourself, vulnerability as a strength, breaking points, finding yourself at the edges of your mind, transformation, philosophy, spirituality, astrology and any other topics that demand to be discussed. Sometimes it can get dark but darkness is my birthplace. I will also offer reflection exercises, journal prompts, and meditations.

I haven't listed any qualifications because I want your own intuition to guide you. If you're gravitating toward what you're reading, then let that be enough. If what I am sharing doesn't resonate, then let that also be enough. Everything has the potential to direct you wherever it is that you want to go. To have wisdom is to have protection. I've accepted a long time ago that wisdom is not the same as knowledge. The wisest understand that you will never know everything; that's the fun part. Discovery.

I won't pretend like I have this whole thing figured out and honestly, I've never felt freer. My life is not this puzzle that needs to be solved, it's this garden I get to watch grow. I've asked for more joy, more play; more freedom in how I operate. I chose to let go because I've seen what happens when you don't.

I realized that you don't have to save everyone. But maybe when you heal, you heal others by just being you, and maybe I'll do the same. And just maybe that'll add up someday.

Can I float any higher?

The answer is always yes.

m.c.