creating galaxies in the crevices of my mind

you cannot stop existence from expanding including your own

originally posted on Substack

Since January, I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my sister’s living room. Today marks one week living in an airbnb that I booked for three weeks and after?

I don’t know.

Ambivalence is a state I am familiar with. Unease, apprehension, turmoil were all frequent environments I had to build safety in. When you’re only given a sliver of space, ingenuity, perseverance and resourcefulness evolve into lifelines. Adaptability as default makes every observation crucial. Hypervigilance becomes inevitable.

My external world was chaotic, a child lost at sea with no compass. I had to learn the language of the stars to make my way through the harsh waves of uncertainty.

Despite the instability of my upbringing, I managed to create worlds, write poems and record bits of my own. Writing in a journal saved me, having an outlet for the emotions I didn’t understand. I wasn’t consistent but it was enough of an anchor to tether my thoughts to my reality. Exploring my mind became essential to my survival before I even realized. Creating in the crevices of your mind can make creation feel like an escape rather than a necessity. I couldn’t quite make sense of it all but I had a need to express even if I was scared to.

When expression is deemed wrong, what is natural becomes hidden.

plants aren’t intrusive in their native habitat.

where’s mine?

When I share my thoughts, I surprise myself with how much already exists, shocked at my own internal landscape. I’ve reread my journals numerous times throughout the years, gaining new insight with each shift in perspective. My past is always expanding my present, shifting the possibilities of my future.

You can only build focus in chaos, where attention becomes intentional. It’s taken most of my life to come to terms with my purpose, to focus on me as the center. Understanding the reality, trying to maintain my sanity when everything is so stimulating. Creating in the dark while managing the mess of discovery to hide for safety took a toll eventually.

There is a unique beauty to isolation once it transformed into solitude, the joy of heartbreak. The persistent will to live and not hide one’s own existence. There’s no effort to assimilate, dedicated to the journey, listening to inner wisdom.

Lately, I’ve been showing up on social media. Although I’m 31 and grew up with the expansion of the internet, I’ve never been the type to post frequently or consistently. It’s been interesting talking when I’m so used to remaining silent. It’s been highlighting how isolation has affected the way I value my own thoughts and feelings. I didn’t deem them worthy before as if worth has anything to do with it. I’m proud to say that I’ve been consistent for over two months, a personal record.

At the same time, I was miserable. I was fighting the acknowledgment because I continued to show up. I thought that since I was still writing or being creative, it meant that my circumstances weren’t affecting me. In reality, everything is still being felt whether I’m aware of it or not. As my awareness expands, it includes what isn’t welcomed in the reality I want to create. A blessing that constantly felt like a curse.

If I’m able to create under such pressure, what can I create when I’m free?

I’m finding out currently.

Taking a little and turning it into a lot, the training of the magician. Can you alchemize what you can’t see? Shift your perspective of energy? Dare to dream of your fantasy as possibility? Become a lover of your own reality?

This is when the magic becomes real, when you realize your own power and capabilities. Developing the skill to expand scarcity, seeing the value of small. Fleeting is seen as a glimpse into the possibilities of the future, a quick vision teasing the present into action. If you want it that is.

The possibilities truly are endless, doubt is a period where a comma should be. Discovering my spark, understanding its purpose took intention and the will to look past any insecurities. To create is to understand in one’s own innate ability.

There is no can I, there is only will I.

What would you build if there were no limits?

What would you build if you let inspiration lead and consistency follows?

Crevices became storage, visions hidden away for later. I was building the foundation for a kingdom I didn’t know the name of. I was a caterpillar making way for a future I was unaware that I was becoming. The unknown is not only what surrounds us but it is also within us. What kind of journey would this be if I knew every second of it? It wouldn’t be very exciting and knowing would become a limitation. Whimsy would no longer be felt as inspiration becomes an expectation.

It can be overwhelming seeing your future in the midst of experiencing your past. Holding the vision isn’t just dreaming but a commitment to be creative. The chrysalis is dark, there’s no skipping becoming.

“Did you know butterflies can’t see their wings?

Only in certain instances can they witness a sliver of their brilliance. Little glimmers, a shock to the system. Moments where you get a peak that there's more to this, more to me.”

Tucking away my thoughts for later, trying to explore an alternate reality, living through the lense of the poet. That was my life. The invisible became a freshly discovered galaxy. Emotions became vehicles to uncharted territories, some were abandoned by forgotten memories.

When you always have to plan to restrict, you become an excessive editor. Not knowing how much space I would have constricted not only my physical reality but my thoughts as well. I was forced to remove before I could ever expand. Having my things in storage for long periods of time disconnected me from what I was creating. Everything I made was always formed in layers by another version of myself. Rarely did I ever complete anything at once.

Now I embrace the spiral, a cycle of inner knowing. Previous versions of myself becoming cherished collaborators. Even now, I am shifting how I want my work to be displayed. Changing my home base to my website and creating a safe haven to birth the community I’ve always craved. What I create is a galaxy of it’s own, I the sun, my gravitational force calling distant planets home.

My orbit is expanding, nebulas exploding stored potential. The potential becoming reality as creativity swirls around me. From destruction comes the breakthrough of beginning and the courage to surrender to adventure. New is always forming and exploration becomes unlimited. Fear is reduced to a passenger while curiosity becomes the leader.

What have you been building in the dark?

m.c.