becoming the eye of the storm

discovering clarity in the midst of chaos

“crystals do no wait to be discovered to form.”

These last couple of years have felt like a roller coaster because I didn’t have the security of knowing. Not in a lack of intuition way but in a lack of clarity way. I was forced to interpret silence as it’s own language. Instead of just hearing the invisible, I began to decipher it. What was once crazy became premonition through whimsy. The little led the way to reveal a lot. Small became loud and big became distant. Senses intertwining to create a whole new experience.

This period of my life has been intense in the way only darkness can do. The present demanded attention, shifting my relationship to the future. To not see ahead was to focus on how bright I could get. There was no need to fear what was lurking in the dark once I accepted that everything was me interpreting infinity. Demons morphed into friends while the unknown emerged as the home I’ve always ached for.

Being able to live between the realms, constantly in the mystical while my body faces the physical. They are one in the same but the experience is different for a reason. Holding the vision turned into whiplash, body and mind crashing in the obscure. Walking the thin line of sanity, trying to maintain the momentum of inspired action. I’ve always been sensitive and the awareness only made it more apparent.

Living with folks in the same location from 9 years ago has been interesting. Being in a situation reflective of my childhood has opened my eyes to many things, a cycle ending. I had to confront the truth, the instability I was still clinging to. I was restricting my expression unknowingly and I had to accept the harsh reality. I had to release quite a bit, to not allow a false sense of obligation tether me to a pattern I’ve been trying to break. Everything started to make sense.

“I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. Mostly about myself. My film hasn’t been accepted into any festivals so far (besides one that accepts everyone) so that’s a blow especially due to the money I spent on them. I’ve also been feeling bad about myself but what’s new in that department. Low self esteem is a bitch. I want to do so many things yet all I seem to do is nothing. What does it take to get motivation? Do I just not want it bad enough? I feel like I do yet my actions don’t reflect that. The Rio Olympics are also going on and I think that’s contributing to my feelings. I wish I was put in a dance or a sport but alas, that didn’t happen. I don’t know. I just want to do something with my life and travel.

Why does that have to be so hard?

-August 7, 2016

I had to explore the depths of my subconscious. I had to destroy what was on top of shaky foundation. It was time for me to rebuild, to strengthen what was damaged by neglect. In order for me to feel secure, I had to put that time in. My beliefs were in contradiction to my desires, no wonder they felt so out of reach.

Sometimes the path forward is in the thing that you’re avoiding. The way to create the peace that you are seeking is through the transformation that comes from the tunnel, the restriction. I was becoming the eye of the storm where I am centered, where it is serene even if everything around me is chaotic. It’s showing me that the very things I was avoiding are the very things that will get me through. Not as an escape but to create the life that I want to make. In a lot of ways this is the break that I’ve been asking for and I need to create the thing to cultivate long term stability.

This was about becoming in love with the journey by using restriction as an opportunity for focus. Being okay with shifting how I show up despite the lack of attention, encouragement, or resources. Letting the growth happen in silence. Flowing through the anxiety, the inner turmoil of defiance. Allowing it to exist, not putting a lid on it. Not letting myself simmer in disappointment.

I’m realizing that my anticipation to soothe disappointment, “it’s okay if it doesn’t do well” was also an expectation.

And expectations are limitations.

Intuition knows so there is no need for expectations, it’s a meeting. An experience of what is known because to know and to experience are two different feelings.

“loosen expectations on end results to allow more flow. no need to stuff everything. accept that your creativity is endless and will continue to expand. release so that you may grow and be supported. you can always add. everything doesn’t have to contain everything. let things breathe. let yourself breathe.”

-september 21, 2025

I was alchemizing my emotions to clear the vision. Accepting my duality and anchoring into my power, recognizing my voice and growing confident in it. Having insecurity in my vision is what was preventing me from going after it unabashedly. It was the destination that I was desperately trying to find my way to, the one I have always felt but couldn’t comprehend its presence. Instead of being overwhelmed by my creativity and developing a backlog, I am now able to flow through the chaos and organize it as the vessel. My purpose emerges sharper becoming easier to act on. There is no more need for hesitation.

The breakdown leads to breakthrough. The breakdown is literally breaking down the version of you that is victimized by your pain. The one that is incapable of the strength required to sustain what it is that you want to maintain. This became a repetitive cycle of proficiency, birthing a mastery of energy.

Motivation comes from clarity.

Getting a clearer picture on what you want, what you need to do, the steps that are formulating in your mind is the motivation. To act is a decision that you must make. That is your free will, that is your choice. That is your role in this co-creation. Procrastination isn’t only about perfectionism, it is also about the friction within you when there is a knowing and a lack of movement. The energy then becomes stagnant in waiting.

Allowing clarity to be the motivation provides you an opportunity to regain your power by acting on it. This skill requires patience. Patience is determination, devotion to your imagination.

I’ve been channeling my excitement by holding the vision, refusing to succumb to indecision. Ideas and inspiration is creativity communicating. What am I creating by ignoring possibility? Especially when that possibility comes from within me.

To act on clarity is to create the fantasy, bringing my ultimate dream into my physical reality. I’m creating miracles by being the miracle.

There’s nothing left to do but be me.

m.c.