the mastery of self navigation
determination as alchemy in motion
“i now find pleasure in my determination instead of victimized. i’m in awe of my strength, my persistency. i’m in awe of my creativity, engaging with infinity. every time i meet a block, i transform. what i’m capable of truly has no limits. i’m open to what that looks like.”
Housing insecurity is a bitch.
I’ve never been this close to living on the street. I’ve never been this alone physically yet somehow, I feel the most free. Free within, knowing that I refuse to give in. I’m stubborn, refusing to succumb to the illusion of restriction. I’m tired of over identifying with my pain, being defined by it in the worse way.
When I was younger, I felt the need to justify my pain. In comparison to my siblings, my trauma seemed like light work. There is this understanding that they continued to perpetuate their own trauma by making decisions that continued the cycle of abuse. One is still in denial while the other is courageous in the way that they face their shame. Throughout it all, my voice was trampled over because my pain wasn’t viewed as relevant or even noticed. Now as I stand firm in my truth, I’m finding out that there is love where I previously overlooked. Pain has a way of constricting your vision.
Because of this need to justify my pain, it became part of my identity. While I would be grateful for any joy or support that entered my life, I seemed to always take a step back, sinking again into lack. Some of it was part of my memory loss, not understanding where this deep sense of sorrow came from and the other part felt like my pain was the only thing that made me worthy of love and attention. It’s a weird feeling because I wasn’t loud about it but I felt it deep within my being. A lack of worth carved so deep, it’s taken years to discover its full meaning.
“i constantly compare myself to others equating my raw form to one that has been edited expected to conform to what society has deemed perfect i hate these feelings of inadequacy carved within me from a knife i no longer carry an heirloom i was forced to bury shoved in my chest by my parents given to them by previous ancestors received from their master who disguised it as treasure salvaged from the mother who birthed them instead it was the reason she was no longer there to hold them, to pass down her wisdom
had she lived, what words would be carved in me instead, i always wonder.”
- carvings from after much delay
There’s something sweet about pain, a comfort born from limitation. If I’m always the victim then there’s no demand for accountability, no reclamation of power. A victim is the end, a survivor is a beginning. A decision takes courage, knowing that you are strong enough to handle it.
I’ve emerged from the chrysalis, disoriented and hesitant. Even the butterfly takes a minute for it’s wings to fully stretch, stored fluid needing a minute to be released. There’s an adjustment period, a necessary transition for flight.
Stillness is a mastery of decision, knowing there is no need to hurry to any destination. “what’s a destination when there are so many?” There is something about owning ones focus, understanding the power of perception. I misunderstood my purpose, dedicating my vision to everyone but me. Forcing obligation onto exploration when exploration thrives in freedom.
I’m not allowing dissatisfaction to rush me only to be used as a mirror of knowing. There’s no one to approve of my decisions, a habit that lingers from systematic pressure. I didn’t realize how deep it went until it was time to rest. It wasn’t just about needing to do enough to earn rest, it was also about an outside approval over the direction my life was taking. Nothing like housing insecurity to force you into acceptance. There is no outside when everything is here.
Rest is integration, a hidden coming together. I now notice the slight shifts in my body, deciding how I want to engage in the moment. I’ve shortened the gap between desire and action, a silent declaration that I’m willing to go after what I want.
There is no such thing as failure. Failure is an illusion, an unwanted tunnel of depression. Once I stopped lying to myself, denying my dreams, I was able to move forward with clarity despite the fear. I’ve anchored my beliefs into trust, an extension of acceptance and a blank canvas for movement.
During Taurus season this year, I wrote this list:
PRIORITY #1 - my hearth
I am committed, devoted to me, my creativity, my love, my beauty, my everything
I trust myself because I am committed. Do it scared. Do it with pain (as long as we’re not harming ourselves further). Do it without a plan.
Commit to what gives you life, what brings excitement, what adds ease and beauty to your life. Commit to challenging yourself for more.
I am devoted to my vessel and channeling energy to create and experience this life to the fullest. ♡
Today is the full moon in Taurus aka the Beaver Supermoon. I woke up frustrated at the lack of change, not recognizing that I’ve been preparing for the abundance I asked for. After listening to my concerns, I answered my fear back with accountability. Self-love often mistaken as burden. I needed to take responsibility for the life that I want and for what I’m willing to sacrifice in order to create it.
I needed to take responsibility for my vision and my desires. I needed to stop victimizing myself from my present and acknowledge all of the progress. I know what this time period is for. I’ve already witnessed the continuous breaking down of my internal limiting beliefs. A cycle that will repeat until intentional action becomes instinct. I am soothing the previous versions of me who didn’t think I was capable. The versions of me who didn’t think I was worth the effort, wasn’t worth being seen. The only way to silence their fears is by affirming that it’s safe to do just that. I asked for freedom and the universe answered with a mirror.
A mirror is a portal to self.
Right before the butterfly emerges, the cocoon becomes transparent. A peak into the future, a glimpse of completion, a symbol of clarity. An acknowledgement of becoming.
The universe is kind, not nice. A deep love that forces you to face yourself in order to expand. Expansion can only come from acceptance and acceptance is love. These recent challenges are answered manifestations, demanding that I master the self in order to not only claim it but to sustain it. It’s reaffirming that I am now, an embodiment of infinite possibilities.
I love the mystery of the experience, a quiet meeting that can only be felt. I’ve mastered self navigation, understanding that I am the destination. I am energy in motion, dancing with understanding, creating a melody of my own expression.
Bliss is when you let yourself be.
m.c.